Today I feel the need to put on my advocacy hat and talk about invisible disabilities. I can’t count the number of times I take on cases where the parents say, “The school says he’s fine at school but he completely unravels when he gets home.” “I must be her safe place because she holds it together all day in school and is completely disregulated when she comes home.” “The school told me that they don’t see anything at school but clearly something isn’t working or else he wouldn’t behave this way when he came home.” I hear you. I see you. As a mom of a child with an invisible disability (and someone who has herself been diagnosed with anxiety) these were things I was saying on a regular basis and to be honest, it was exhausting. I did not feel validated. I was sick and tired of fighting with my son and spending every ounce of available energy on getting him regulated when he was home. I didn’t see an end in sight- until I did. Trust me, I don’t have all of the answers but I have many thoughts on the topic and know that we need to do better for our kids! Anyone who has a pulse on current events knows that the mental health crisis in America is a real thing. It just is. I can’t change it. I can’t ignore it. We are living in a time where mental health is acknowledged and REAL. However, as a society, we haven’t quite caught up to walking the walk and talking the talk. It is not enough to simply acknowledge the crisis. We need to ACT and fast.

One of my biggest pet peeves as a mom, an educator and an educational advocate is for people to roll their eyes or discount a diagnosis of ADHD or anxiety. I’ve heard things like, “Everyone suffers from anxiety.” “We all have anxiety, we just need to learn how to deal with it.” “I had ADHD as a kid and I had to deal with it.” It makes my blood boil. Yes, I agree, as humans we all experience anxiety from time to time- situational anxiety. However, the diagnosis carries weight. A professional thought the anxiety was to a degree to put a name on it- to conduct the testing and diagnose. Some people will continue to argue with the diagnosis. You are not my people. It is what it is- if I had cancer, I’d follow protocol to search out the best treatments. I would not say- well, eventually we will all get cancer. Invisible disabilities are real and are affecting our kids.

In my opinion, kids need to live balanced lives- school, family, social, extracurricular, downtime. Unfortunately, we live in a society where school seems to take over. At least with my own kids, the emphasis that is put on school work and ‘getting the grades,’ and completing an insane amount of work is unrealistic. I am not that mom who demands her kids get As. To be honest, I want my kids to try their best and live a balanced life. I dread school nights when I know homework will continue after dinner until I tell them to put it away and get some sleep. They have missed out on family time, down time and social time. It isn’t healthy or sustainable. Then they go to school the next day all stressed out because they didn’t finish the assignment and so the cycle continues. We need to start having these conversations- as school communities- to level the playing field and bring back balance.

I often ask myself, what can realistically be done in school to help our students feel safe, successful and mentally balanced. As a teacher for 20 years, I did not find the magic cure but I can tell you what I did. I focused on the students first and the curriculum second and guess what- my students still learned curriculum! Luckily, I had an amazing administrator who also valued mental health and recognized the importance of connection and establishing a positive rapport with students. Let’s stop shoving curriculum down their throats and model balance.

We need to look at the whole child, not just the child within the four walls of their classroom. We don’t want kids to “hold it together all day and then unravel when they get home.” We want their needs to consistently be met throughout their day so they feel safe in school and at home. Safe in the sense that their needs will be met- their anxiety will be acknowledged, their ADHD will be addressed, their learning disability will be accounted for. Teachers need to feel empowered to bring the balance back. Teachers do not need the added pressure from administration and states to score high on state testing. I wish there was a way for us to measure mental health in schools that was as widely publicized as state testing. People go crazy for those scores- but at what cost?! In my perfect world, kids and parents truly feel seen and heard, regardless of the 4 walls they find themself in. People feel safe to say what they need, give each other grace and model and practice balance daily.

What’s the answer? I don’t have a definitive one …..yet! Trust me, I’m working on it. I hope this post encourages parents to share their experiences and know that you are NOT ALONE. It does not need to be this hard. Kids should not come home from school disregulated on a daily basis. Teachers should not be fleeing the profession at the rate that they are. The mental health crisis should not be as severe as it is. We can do better. We should do better. Our kids, parents, and teachers deserve it.